The Life

For the Men (Every single one)

2012-02-04T10:55:00.002-05:00

This post is for all the guys, and I feel the need to say this because of all the annoying things I hear and see written pertaining to men as a whole. Being a man is about more than doing what you want. It is not about getting women, though if you are a real man women will want you because they see that you are doing the right things and that you will take care of them. And when I say take care of them I don't mean in the traditional male-dominated society sense. Men want to be taken care of just like women do. We just have different needs and desires.

On the topic of desires, we guys need to have more on our minds than money and sex.I know that's all the world tells us we need, but it is like I said in an earlier post, what you want and what you should seek are not always necessarily the same. Benefits are by-products, not goals. Being attractive is not something you can just do. It is something that you earn by doing what is right.When you take shortcuts, you leave pieces stuck together. You have to follow through or you won't get your piece of the pie.

Following through brings me to my next point. Words are very important. I know people say actions speak louder than words, but that does not mean that words don't matter. They are indicators as to the type of man that you are. Your words are like packages that you send to people. Sometimes what's in the package matches what's on the label, and sometimes it is different. I know that it is hard to always be 100% about everything (actually it's impossible because we're not perfect), but if your goal is not 100% then you are not doing everything that you can. Every man's words are a double-edged sword. The actions are every swing of that sword. You are either cutting away at others' trust in you and your integrity, or you are cutting away at their doubt and negative expectations of "men like you".

"Men like you" is kind of a loaded phrase because there is the literal meaning that covers men that dress like you, talk like you, and look like you, but there is also the meaning from a woman's perspective and that is men she connects with. Every man's actions open or close doors for other men which can be a good thing or a bad thing. Being a man means you represent the entire male population, so every mistake you make is not just a reflection on yourself. Even if you are selfish, you could think about the fact that doing things dishonestly takes your credibility down. You have to give respect to receive it. For a man, being respectful should be of utmost priority because that is the only way you will be truly respected.

I am not perfect, nor am I any better than any other man out there. I see things though, and I really want to try to do things right. It is hard becuase doing things right won't make everyone happy, but then again nothing will.You have to look beyond what is right in front of you in life, and in society. Have real conversations, listen when people talk to you. Be interested in other people's lives and seek to know about them. This applies to men and women. Your relationships with women should not only be romantic or have romantic end goals. Start a conversation with a woman that seems interesting to you just the same as you would a man if you found him relatable.

Men need to learn to be more socially dynamic becuase otherwise you mke stupid mistakes that stack up very quickly. I don't quite know what it is that makes women so much more socially advanced than men (as a whole), but it starts with taking a vested interest in other people's lives and seeking to do the things you know you should do. Women are emotional beings, this means that they naturally seek connections with others. Men do not naturally do this as much, so it has to be a conscientious effort. The more you do it, the more it will come naturally to you. There are plenty of men that can and do do this, but there are far more women and this creates an imbalance in the world. Women already expect men to be self-absorbed, so at the moment if you are even simply making an effort to connect with others (with no ulterior motives) then that gives you a leg up on every other guy you are competing with for women's attention. I said with no ulterior motives because one thing that connecting with people does is it gives you the ability to read others and nothing gives you a sicker feeling in the pit of your stomach than when someone is trying to use you. SO KEEP IT REAL.

I'm not saying you have to become the next Dr. Phil, but think with your brain and think about how others feel about the things you do and say. Think about others on a daily basis. It starts in the mind because what you think about eventually comes out in what you say and do. If you are backwards in your thinking then your words and actions will be mismatched as well. This post is already pretty long and it would take a book to go into detail about everything that men need to do, so I'm going to leave it here for now. There may be a part two to this. I felt that the men needed a word since I gave the ladies one.

PS: For the good guys, you have to understand that the ones who came before you weren't perfect and that there are plenty around you that aren't so good. You have to tear through past experience and negative presumptions before you can even begin to build your own reputation with a woman. This takes time and hard work. It should be work on being the man you should be and not on proving anything. There will be nothing to prove if you are right with yourself and then right with others. You can't be discouraged when someone assumes the worst about you. Take it as a challenge to be a better man, then exceed expectations. That is all.

This Is For The Ladies (Well, not all of them)

2012-02-04T10:20:00.001-05:00

To all women that make generic statements (usually negative) about all men based on a few experiences that you have had, why do you do it? I understand you're not always trying to call people out by name, (though it might be a nice wake up call), but it seems whenever one guy does something wrong, all men have to get slammed for it. It's not right. There are those wome brave enough to give each guy a chance, but they are few and far between. I understand the reasoning behind protecting yourself emotionally from such guys, and most times there's really no way to know who is a good guy and who is not until it's too late. However, I feel like if the general assumption weren't always negative that it could curve the trend in the other direction. The thing about life is that you have to look at it the way you want to see it. There will always be ups and downs, but you have to focus on the good and move towards it. Be the woman that doesn't have to always have attention and you'll see that the guys willing to earn your attention will show up. Be the one that turns heads and bad heads will turn away cause they are looking for the easy target not the conscious respectable woman. You can't play games if you don't want to be played. There are always two sides to every story, so know what you did wrong just the same as you out those who wrong you.

RVA

2012-02-04T01:26:00.000-05:00

Redemption. Validation. Aspiration.
I'm still in the Redemption stage, but it's all good. I have 2 more years to cross through stage two and three. That's Richmond, VirginiA for you. I've been here for a semester and 3 weeks now. Haven't blogged in a minute, and I'm sorry to those who actually read this. It sort of goes without saying that I'm no longer at CMU. That's the last I'm gonna say about that. VCU is pretty awesome to be honest. It's huge so there is a large array of people, plenty of beautiful women, plenty of opportunity. I guess that's kind of how the world is. There is always more there than you know. The more exposure you receive, the more desensitized you become to the differences and the extremes. It puts things in perspective.

Speaking of perspective, I really like staring at the ocean. I did a good deal of that on the cruise my family took over Christmas. It makes you feel small which for some oddly strange reason is soothing.

"Human Nature" is playing softly in my headphones. I don't have a favorite song, but Human Nature was one of my favorites before I even knew what it was called. It is one of the beats that I just feel. When people say that music speaks to them, it's an odd phenomenon. Certain feelings can't be expressed through words, and that's why communication is not all verbal. Music, dance, body language, sex, eye contact, silence, art, the list goes on. They are all ways of sharing something with someone. Life is short, but you cannot rush through it because anything that is rushed is not worth it in the end. Sometimes you get lucky, but you cannot live your life that way. That is not to say that if something takes less time than is common or than expected that it is not worth it. It is merely an observation on how things are conducted when done in a hurry. That is not a life worth living, it is a blur of events. The future is something to look forward to. Life is a marathon though, not a sprint. Though at times you will have to dig in and push yourself, it's not something in which you can never slow down.

At this point in my life, I've been running so hard and so fast for so long that it takes most of my energy simply to collect my thoughts. It felt almost as if they'd left me. Now that I am somewhat settled, I am forming a picture of my goals. It is not that I did not have goals before, but there is a difference between the goals we set for ourselves and the goals we should be setting. Certain things are meant to be focused on and other things are meant to be by-products. Working hard is meant to be a focus, income a by-product. Seeking God is meant to be a focus, blessings and life a by-product. Seeking the best in yourself is meant to be a focus, an amazing beautiful girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife a by-product. Loving others is meant to be a focus, being loved a by-product. To get the things we want, we must almost never seek them. The world is a wealth of cycles, and you can't jump into a cycle at any stage you choose. You have to learn the flow and blend the cycles around you. Studying and learning are meant to be focuses, good grades and a degree are by-products.

Thought and reflection are focuses, wisdom and understanding by-products.

I Apologize

2011-10-24T23:08:00.000-04:00

This picture speaks for itself, but I would just like to say that I am sorry to everyone that I have used over the years. I know that even with good intentions one can do things wrong, but it's even worse with selfish intentions. It has taken me a long time to realize that feelings are simply a self-desire. Since it is one's own feelings they can often not consider the feelings of others. Pursuing these feelings blindly leads to many unfortunate situations and relationships (and ends of/damages to relationships).

Love is a two way street that cannot be understood by feelings alone. Feelings can drive love, but they cannot embody love because love is an action, a relationship, and a feeling. It cannot be one of these things, it must be all three. God died for us, lives in us, and feels our joy/pain/everything-in-between. A husband cares for his wife. A girl thinks of her boyfriends needs when she acts. These are all simple examples of love. They are by no means meant to make a complete definition but just to illustrate my point. I am searching for real love, and I know that I need to be ready to love the way Christ did in order to properly cherish that love when it comes my way. I have squandered too many relationships with my selfish desires, and I want to turn over something new for myself. This life is too short to see your faults and not seek to change them in yourself. I am calling myself out, and I hope that those who read this will hold me accountable.

Why I'm Single

2011-10-19T21:21:00.000-04:00

"Stop talking about love. Every [fool] in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love that matters. That's the only thing that counts."
~anon

This has to be one of the realest quotes (I paraphrased it a bit) I have ever stumbled upon. The thing that I discovered (and obviously this is true of others, but to me it's about knowing for myself) is that I used to very easily confess my love for the girls that I dated. I thought that I was being sincere by saying all these romantic things, but what I didn't realize was that my actions didn't match up with what I said. Now, I do not say things like "I love you" because I know that the best way to tell her is to show her. When I find it within myself to be more than I am for someone, that's when I know that it's love. I do my best to be a standup guy, but things are not easy these days. I feel that I have lost a part of myself these past couple of years. I would rather find the man that I want to be inside myself before I try to be that man for someone else. I know that God is the one who put that man inside me, but what I mean is that I must get right in order for me to consider myself ready to seek out another. This is not to say that my eyes are not open, and that I am not letting people (especially girls) to be a part of my life. This is simply stating that I need not waste my time with things like parties and dating while I am trying to focus on school and work. Such things are distractions. If people want to spend time together that is one thing, but I am seeking to stay out of the drama that inevitably follows attempted relationships. Personal growth is my main priority right now because I have been so negligent lately. Lupe Fiasco said it best when he said,

"I'm only moving forward, Homie. That's that."

Searching for the Glow

2011-02-16T23:28:00.001-05:00

When we're young, we have this relentless hope and uncanny ability to dream. Some would call it naivete or immaturity. I like to call it a "glow". Many people complement me on my eyes. Most can tell how I'm feeling/what's going on with me through my eyes. When I was younger, more confident, more successful (in my own opinion), and had a brighter future (also in my opinion), that glow was bright. I would look in the mirror (figuratively and literally), and even though I nitpicked little imperfections (like I've always done), I was satisfied with the overall picture I saw. This was not so much because I was unaware of the negatives that existed in my life, the risks I took and such. I was often quite capable of assessing my situation, but I didn't believe in the bad. It's not that I falsely believed I could never fail (well I kinda did... a little), but I didn't accept any of the bad things that I saw as dangers. I simply looked to God and trusted that everything would work out for the best. I think somewhere between looking to God and trusting that everything would work out, I just started trusting that everything would work out. Then I began hoping everything would work out, and soon I simply wished everything would work out. God really has given us a microscopic dose of his power. We control our lives with our will. It seems silly but it is so true that the way we look at different situations and what we think about ourselves has an enormous impact on our potential and our choices and abilities. The reason that young people are indestructible is because they have unyielding will. They also have very small worlds to manage, but this is only part of the equation. As people grow up, those that continue to succeed are those that successfully incorporate new experiences and responsibilities and priorities into their world. Granted, things like money, support systems, networks, and beliefs help or hinder people in managing their growing world, but it is still a task that not all can accomplish even with the best help. We are powerful, but that power does not choose sides, it can do just as much bad as it can good (no I'm not saying that good and bad are equal). We must guard our hearts and only allow positive things to come in because the negative corruption cripples our ability to grow and develop. This is why I insist that realism and pessimism are not related. Just because you know the reality of something doesn't mean that you have to believe the negative about something. Yes, one is more likely to happen than another, and yes, it is sometimes the negative things that we have to accept. Accepting them does not mean that we can not look for better things to come. That's where "belief" comes in. If it was all based on probability, then humans would go nowhere. It is the exceptions that make the biggest impact. It is those that go against the common assumptions that innovate the future (emotionally, scientifically, philosophically, theologically, spiritually, technologically, socially, politically, etc). It is not necessarily rejecting old ways, but rather looking at what works and what could work better. It is not letting fear stop you from doing something, feeling something, believing something that you know you should do, feel, or believe. We must keep the stains of life out of our eyes and in our past. The future should always shine on clean lenses so that our glow shines brightly reflecting that which can be best attained in this life. It is when your perspective isn't dirtied and clouded with negativity that the light of the future shines brightest into your eyes reflecting the glow that some feel is reserved for youth. I dare to say, it is not the glow of Youth, it is the glow of Life. I'm scrubbing my lenses right now, and when these stains are gone, I'll pull out the buffer and before I know it, I'll have that glow back.

CUT THROUGH THE MOMENT!!

Never Giving Up

2011-01-21T00:13:00.000-05:00

Often, it is the times you feel you deserve the least that God wants to give you the most. That way there is no doubt in your mind who it came from. There is a difference between selfish pride and grounded confidence and I am learning this more and more each day. Continually I am being reminded that I need to forget about past mistakes and do look forward to what is ahead. I cannot believe the opportunities and love that is being thrown at me (it makes me hate myself even more), it is humbling. I need it, I know I do, but when you lived the majority of your life thinking that you earned everything or that you were so great in some way, it is a real eye-opener when God sucks it out from under you like a vacuum. I am now beginning to understand why so many people in the Bible go through so many trials. Human nature has been the same since the beginning of time. Even with all the wisdom that is passed down from generation to generation, we insist on continuing to remake the same mistakes that our ancestors did rather than learning from their mistakes so that we can progress. This is not to say that we have not progressed at all, but the saying "history repeats itself" shows that regardless how Earth changes, the story remains the same. God wants to show us His power, His love, and His salvation, and we want to chase after whatever OUR hearts desire. Well, it is not really what our hearts desire, it is more-so what we THINK our hearts desire. This is just like a parent telling their child not to touch a hot stove or to play in poison ivy. There are some things that we do that have immediate repercussions like burning yourself on a stove and some things that we think we can get away with when in actuality they just have a delayed consequence like poison ivy.

God looks at us and sees where we are headed and tells us "NO! Do not go that way! It is too dangerous, you are not strong enough to handle that. It will hurt you..." but we tell Him (if we acknowledge Him at all) "Yes. But this is what I want. I can handle it. It is not that bad... What have I done?"

He watches as we fall, picks us back up, lets us make our little mistakes all the while keeping us from the big dangers all the while hoping that we will get it. Some of us see from the little things that we need to do things a certain way (and not do SOME things at all) before we can truly experience His glory. There is no halfway or partial with God. He wants ALL of you and in return He will give you more than you can imagine.

I have accepted my fall, but what I have not mastered yet is getting back up. I was fine when I thought I knew everything, but it is amazing the strength that leaves a man when his security is taken from him.

With that said, I am ready to move forward. I have had enough of this averageness. I am so done being a cashier at a grocery store (this is not to bash on anyone that works at a grocery store, but I know that this is only temporary for me). I know what my passions are and I know that I have what it takes to pursue them and to be great at them. I don't know what's coming next, but GOD has taken me this far, so I just need to keep the faith like Job and watch what happens next.

"Admit defeat, and Defeat will surely admit you into permanent custody, my man."

~Beret Girl

2010

2010-12-31T01:48:00.000-05:00

I look back on this year and find more that I'd like to forget than things worth remembering. It's hard to focus on the positive when so much negative outweighs it. Does this mean I don't look back at all? No, I just have to look at the whole picture and accept the coffee stains from too many late nights, the burn in the corner from playing with fire a little too much, the holes from my friends who thought it would be fun to use my heart as target practice, and the undeveloped dark area that contains mistakes and time wasted behind closed doors. I look back because it is me. I look back because there is nowhere else to look in hindsight. I try to brighten it, sharpen it, posterize, deinterlace, despeckle, color-balance, brighten/contrast, but nothing changes what I see in front of my face. So I look back, because now is the time that the world has said to reflect. Because it's culturally and socially appropriate to dig up the past for one night and then put it away as I open the door to the next 365-day chapter in this journey called life. It will always just be as far as a turn of my head, but I choose for this night only to look to my heart's content. After which I will probably try hard to erase it from my memory like a child seeks to erase the permanent marker that they used to draw on their parents' wall. I can't forget though. I don't really want to forget, I just want it to be different. At the same time it can't be. I look up. I see that God is still there here where He's always been. I realize that had I looked up a bit more, my neck would not be so stiff from craning to catch the glance of every hottie that crossed my path. Perhaps if I'd looked up, I would've seen that the priorities that I chucked into the air like rubber balls were actually made of glass and were coming down to crash upon my head. Perhaps if I had looked up, I wouldn't have lost the last shred of innocence that (in my mind) I was clinging to in order to justify my righteousness. I look back, and I realize that naïveté was my cloak, and ignorance my cape. I flashed them in the faces of those that wanted to help me. I even embraced them at times (some tighter than others) in the clubs, in the rain, and in our beds. Only later I pushed them away. Unbeknownst to me my heart would cry out for all of them when I watched my priorities ship me home to not see them again for year. I appreciate all that they tried to do for me, and only hope that this time I really have come to understand that which I must do in this life. No, not entirely, as I know that no one knows what tomorrow brings. Well, actually we usually have a pretty good idea of what tomorrow brings most of the time. It is just that it's only ever an idea. Not to mention the fact that tomorrow is not a promise to anyone. Steven Archer, may he live on with the Lord, learned that this year. I realize that I don't have it all right, and I guess that is okay with me. The fact is that what God has been trying to say is that you never will. Only He can take care of that. You just have to give it to Him. You have to let go of the shred of control that you thought you had because the tighter you cling to it the harder you will hit the ground when He allows it to come down on your head. On the bright side (my friend Tony tells me I need to be more of an optimist), the getting up is always much more grandiose than the fall was unpleasant. The trick is to endure the fall, don't spend too much time on the ground, and clean up well. Look forward to good because that is the only way it will come to you.

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love." ~2 Peter 1:5-7

All those qualities are very good, but God says to add them to faith. He says "make every effort to…" meaning that some will not. But, faith is a given here. That faith is the key to everything. That faith will carry you from the deepest trench on Earth to the highest mountain on the Moon. Think not on what is or what was, but on what will be. Think of the reunions, however nervous you may be, that will inevitably follow such an absence. Think of the faces that I will look upon once again, and the embraces that will hold true emotions for myself and those I embrace. Think of the faith that they all had in me that I would return and that I would get it together. After thinking on these things, I realize that I have to do it. No, not for them, as you may be thinking, but it is because of them, Him, and myself that I must do it. Greatness is but a step away for greatness is a path, not a destination.

Everyday Love

2010-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

First of all, Merry Christmas to everyone! This world always tries to deny this, cover it up, overshadow it, and even change it, but the real reason for Christmas has been, is, and always will be a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. All that stuff about giving and family and love is just part of Christ’s message. The best gifts aren’t the ones in packages, it’s the life that we are able to live on this earth and the life that some will live in Heaven because of Christ’s gift. That is something worth celebrating every day, not just on December 25. Love God, and love people, not because of what you will get or how it makes you feel, but because that is what we were made to do.

Chance is like a picture...

2010-12-20T03:07:00.000-05:00

"Chance is like a picture it'd be nice if you'd just take it" ~Drake

There are many different chances that we face in life. To some, Chance is like Mr. Opportunity:
A well-dressed white man with a good deal always waiting at your door. (Okay, not really :-P) You see what I mean? To some people Chance is something to be gained. They see it as just that, opportunity. To some people, Chance is Mayhem
A guy that looks like he got beat out by Brad Pitt for the role of Tyler Durden... (again, I joke! :-P) To these people, Chance is just an accident waiting to happen. The truth is that Chance is BOTH of these things, but it is a matter of how you treat him. Also, it is about how you treat yourself. You see, Chance comes in many shapes and forms that I like to call, "chances" (I didn't say I was the only one!). Chances, like the chance to confess your love for someone, or the chance to step out on faith when God calls you to reach your potential in life. Even smaller chances such as the chance to have a real conversation with someone that you do not know very well. Such a conversation could bring you closer to that person, and that person could care about you and become a good friend. Then again, though, that person could care less about you and end up hurting you down the road. Either way, you don't know.

One thing I learned (from a fortune cookie, this happens a lot) recently is this quote, "The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything." What this means to me is that we shouldn't just LOOK at chances, we should TAKE them. Funny how Drake, even with all the worldly influences and shallowness in some of his rhymes, can say something so profound. I mean, TobyMac said, "You're staring at the Son, God's reaching out His hand!" That's God calling out to you. You may have to give up some things, you may lose somethings unwillingly, but in the end it is worth it. God didn't say that we would never fall, He just said that He would always be there to pick us back up. You see, it's our life to live, if you don't live it, is it worth having?

The Fine Print of Dreams

2010-10-15T12:41:00.000-04:00

Just playing around with my artistic side. I read this quote in a book I recently finished by Josh Harris, and I thought I'd exercise a little inspiration.

"Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals. Nobody wants to read the small print in dreams."

~Ann Landers

아자아자! 화이팅!

2010-10-13T17:19:00.000-04:00

Continuing to push forward is the key to success in this life. It's hard to follow what Paul said in Philippians when he said to "press toward the mark to win the prize". I feel that it's difficult for us humans because we are so short-sighted. We can't look past today much less to eternity. We value so much here on this earth that it distracts us from our true goal, loving God and loving people. We have little minor setbacks and it makes us forget all that God's already brought us through. This post however isn't to talk about my setbacks, it's about progress. It's about what's uplifting my spirits right now. The title is in Korean (aja aja, fighting!) because what I'm really happy about is the lunch that I just had in Annandale. I went to Nakwon Restaurant (also linked in the title) and tried the 된장찌개 (bean paste soup). It had small octopuses in it and stuff. I feel like it's a more ethnic Korean dish. They serve it boiling with all your normal sides: cucumbers, 김치 (kimchi), potato salad, rice. I actually didn't like one of the sides though. I haven't been able to find it online anywhere, but the lady called it gaenyip (or something like that...) which leads to the height of this lunch. After I finished eating, I asked her what it is then told her I didn't like it...

in Korean! Yes, then she asked me where I learned to speak Korean, and I... failed. I said "Korea... 친구". Epic fail... (btw how do you say epic fail in Korean?) lol. All the way back to campus I went over how I could have responded in my head ("한국 사람. 나의 친구" or something like that). This was still an accomplishment for me not because I'm starting to understand more Korean, but because the harder thing for me is to man up and actually use what I've learned so that I can improve. I just get so nervous. I don't like to mess up or look stupid, but I've come to accept that in life sometimes you have to do something the worst before you can do it the best. I just got finished telling one of my new friends that even though she doesn't think she's good at dancing, if she never dances she'll never improve. I suppose I should follow my own advice.

This brings me to my next bit of good news. I visited my friends at VCU last weekend. I got to stay with my man Sean from Thursday to Monday morning. We got to talk a lot, we danced, we worked out, and I made a bunch of new friends. Sean, Lance, and I had some conversations about life and I am more inspired than ever now to keep working my way back to CMU. I miss Pittsburgh, and thanks to people like Tyler, Kenny, Sarah and Jecolia, I know that I am also missed. Just gonna keep pressing on. I know things will get better.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

2010-10-05T22:08:00.000-04:00

This is something that I wrote last year that I never put up. I suppose it reveals a little bit of how I felt during last year. Everything below is exactly as I wrote it that night on December 10, 2009. I haven't posted anything in a while so I figured I'd let this one go. I tend to hold things down when I should be letting them out, so this is just a practice in self-expression.

==

I will never forget this day. Things may not have changed yet, but I cried for the first time in I don't know how long. For a while I thought that my tears had run dry. The sad thing is that it took such extremes to pull my emotions back. I often hated God for giving me such an even temperament. I realize now that I don't have an even temperament, but rather I had suppressed my feelings so deeply that even I don't know what I feel anymore. In some ways it has made me passive-aggressive. I know that I have to face all the things that I have done. I only pray that I can change and that this won't ruin me for life.

Where did it go wrong? The day that I began playing with people's feelings maybe? I always wondered why no one could relate to my pain. I felt so dissatisfied even with all the good things that I do have. I was just never satisfied with anything. I knew that I had a problem though, but the awareness only added to my anxiety. My biggest fear growing up was failing. I worked so hard for 18 years to convince everyone that I was incapable of it, but in the end I only convinced myself that I would. I don't know why I've done what I did, but I know that I've wasted too much of my parents' money and stomped on their feelings too many times for them to let me continue down this path.

I would watch dramas and wonder how people could feel such pain. I wondered why had God given me such a cushy existence? Why did I not suffer like some suffered? I blew all my pains out of proportion until I realized one thing: the world doesn't feel sorry for you. I haven't hit Rock Bottom yet, but I'm teetering on the edge of the cliff. I see everything about to implode around me, and I know that there is nothing left that I can do except begin to repent. I have to tear away this mountain of lies that I've built up so that I can find the Mitchell Lawrence Holoman that I buried beneath it.

If there's one thing that I can't stand more than anything, it's this golden heart that everyone claims I have. They think I'm so pure, so passionate, and so on the brink of success. If that's the case, maybe there's a thin wall on this hallway that I've been walking down. If there's another path close by, I guess I'd bust through to it from this one I'm on because I can't possibly be going anywhere fast on the path I'm on. Unless, I'm on the right path, but I've just been running in circles as I watch people fly past me.

I feel there is one gift that God has given me in the fullest, and that is vision. I can see things very well, but at the same time I will myself to see what I want such that I lose that which helps me most.

A Short Word

2010-09-16T11:47:00.000-04:00

Various popular songs these days talk about independent women who don't mind paying for dates, own their own houses and cars, and have good jobs. This is not a new trend by any means, but I suppose artists find it something worth talking about lately. Songs like Drake's "Fancy", Webbie's "Independent", Ne-Yo's "Miss Independent", Jamie Foxx's "She's Got Her Own" are good and empowering in some respects. I would like to give my view on such a message. Often times men feel that women care too much about how much money a man is making or what kind of status he has. Make no mistake, I'm not saying that I don't think a woman is worth it, but that shouldn't be the main focus when it comes to a relationship. I think that this is a message to the women (and men) who think that they just have to find a wealthy person to shack up with and then they'll be alright. This is kind of how some Christians look at life. You have to establish yourself whether it's financially, spiritually, or however. Finding a good church doesn't matter if you still walk around cursing and chasing worldly things. Just because a woman shouldn't look at a man's money as the prime factor, they also shouldn't settle. There should be a motivation to be your own person and that will bring the right people to you. Granted, men can be golddiggers as well, but that can't be avoided. So be who you were created to be and let God bring the right people to you. :)

~BA

You Know All That Stuff That Happened In The Past?

2010-08-20T22:26:00.000-04:00

WOW... I was so moved by this showing of God's power that I had to share this on Facebook, like it on Youtube and even write an inspired blog about it. I want to talk about something that drags a lot of people down (well, me at least), and that is hindsight. You know how people always say that "Hindsight is 20/20"? If that is the case, then why do we go revisiting it so often? I don't think it has anything to do with mistakes, successes, pain, pleasure, or any of that. I think that the human condition is to want to control everything but at the same time also know everything. Here's what it is though. The only thing you can control is the present, and the only thing you can know everything about (or at least feel like you do) is the past. This is why humans get caught looking back. There is less uncertainty, it just is what it is. Sometimes it doesn't matter how grotesque or awe-inspiring. It's just something finite, solid, something that we don't have to be afraid of. The only past you're afraid of isn't really the past, it's the repercussions for the past that haven't happened yet, i.e. the future. Looking to the past keeps you from focusing on the present, though, which in turn takes away-the-little-control-that-you-haveoveritthussendingyouintoabackwardstumbleintoabrickwall... Ouch.

This can be resting on your laurels, which I am SOOO highly guilty of, not letting go of mistakes (yeah, it's hard but it's too heavy to drag along), or wishing for a time when everything was not really perfect but when you think about it now it seems better than your current state. So what do we do? We need to learn to have a short-term memory sometimes. No one ever thinks too much. It's not about how much you think, it's about what you're thinking. You can't change the past, but you can change the present. The past is only supposed to leave you clues as to how to deal with the present. That's called experience. There are many people ready to help you if you just reach out to them, most of all your Lord & Savior who actually put all those people in your life in the first place. That's. called.. wisdom...

Humans are so often prone to habits, but we are not meant to be creatures of habit, we are meant to be moldable like clay. That's the only way to really let the Potter work in your life. You cling to things that hurt you anyways, but you're used to it. You develop expectancies and you limit yourself to what your feeble mind can comprehend and your narrow perspective can envision. That's not how it should be! Not in the least...

Turn it around! Face what's ahead of you. It may not be what you think you want, but you don't even know! You don't know what the future holds, you don't know what you really want until you get it. Sure, you may be "happy with what you have now" or perhaps it's never enough. Either way, you have to allow uncertainty to enter your life because without it there is no change, there is no growth, there is nothing. And one thing that I always quote that Coach Hobbs preached in a message back in 8th grade chapel at ECS, life is like working out. You're either helping yourself or you're hurting yourself. There is no level plain. Even when you're doing nothing, you're not just not improving. You're actually getting weaker, worse, slower... Another thing is that... (I hope I get this quote right) Stephen O'Brien once told me. For every second that you spend looking in the mirror, you should spend an hour building up what you see in it. Looking at your past, is like looking in the mirror. It is the culmination of everything you've done up to that point. Now, that's not to say it's bad to look in the mirror. If you never look at yourself how will you know if you're improving or not? How will you know if the pants you put on match your shirt? How will you know if your muscles are getting lopsided because you've been overworking one area and under-working another? The key to life is balance, and we can't hold much weight so our job is to give everything to God and just rest on Him. That's the balancing act, staying in His hands wherever he decides to take you. Whether it be fast or slow or if there are obstacles in the way. You just have to stay in His hands. Pay attention to the mirror regularly, but don't dwell in it. It is simply a list of dos and don'ts if you look at it the right way. So if the past starts to weigh you down, or the future is too scary to look at, know that the only way to like what you see in the mirror, is to stay in the gym. We can't be perfect, but we can sure enough try.

~B.A.

P.S. :: This was inspired by the video linked in the title. It is by a Chinese rapper named Jin. The first time I saw him was on BET when he was battling on Freestyle Fridays. He soon signed to a major U.S. record label becoming the first Asian to do so. If any of you watch BET, I think you have an idea of what Jin's music was like. But today, I saw a different side of Jin. God has made a change in him. And this change was one that's not easy for anyone to make and I believe it's even tougher in the public spotlight because people always hold their first impression of you. If you're on television, that's thousands, even millions, of first impressions that you have to overcome. He has decided to bring a more positive God-centered message to his rhymes, and this song "Angels" really touched me. Sam Ock put a different beat to it as part of Jin's Fill In The Beats Contest. I felt this one very strongly, and I hope you all do the same.

The 3rd Commandment

2010-08-19T00:02:00.000-04:00

Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain

Many people read this passage and assume that it means that people should not curse. While not cursing is a good thing to do, I feel like there's a little be more to this verse than that. With this in mind, I'd like to first look at the meaning of vain:

1 : having no real value : idle, worthless
2 : marked by futility or ineffectualness : unsuccessful, useless
3 : foolish, silly
4 : having or showing undue or excessive pride in one's appearance or achievements

This may be a bit touchy, I'm even pointing the finger at myself with this one, but I feel that this is an important thing for Christians to think about in the way that we represent Christ. When you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, you take on the very person of Christ. That means that you take His Spirit, you take His death & resurrection, and we take His name.

So, now that we have established the meaning of the word vain, and we have established that as CHRISTians, we bear the name of Christ. Looking at the first definition of vain, let's think about what this could mean in the context of taking the Lord's name. What is it that our Lord values? Well, in Matthew 22:36-40, "...Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Pause, the Creator of the Universe just said that this is the greatest commandment. That may be something to pay attention to. The most important thing that God wants us to do is love. If God is saying to do something with all your heart, soul, and mind, then It ought to be something that we never tire of. And since God is in us, then the way that we should love is laid out in the way that He loved us. I know there are many other things that are important to God, but I just want to touch on one more thing that God values, ministry. Matthew 24:14 says, "And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come." Jesus has stated that He will return when the Gospel has reached the whole world. In the Age of Information, how can the Gospel not be heard across the globe? We have the internet, television, movies, radio, newspapers, magazines, books, etc. etc. The Bible is channeled through all these mediums too. How can it not be all over the world? Well, in a shallow sense it is, but I bet you you don't have to leave your city to find a person that has never heard of Jesus Christ. This is not to say that it is anyone's fault, but it is our duty to take the blinders off all those who cannot see. The world needs every Christian to do their part. I still remember to this day back in the fourth grade, there was a boy named Luke Last. I wanted to hang out with him and a group of guys that he was friends with, and he told me that there were some rules. The first thing he asked me was, had I ever told anyone about Salvation. That hit me deep, but it must not have been deep enough because to this day I don't think I can recall one instance where I directly told someone who did not already know about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Bad example, right? What am I doing writing this post right now? I mean I have invited people to church, introduced many to Christian music, and I try to show Christ's love in everything that I do. But that's not enough.

I often speak to people that tell me they don't like church because they feel like they are being judged by people who are no better than they are. This always brings my mind to Matthew 7:3 and Romans 3:23. Unfortunately, most non-believers take the "nobody's perfect" line as an excuse. The truth is that we are only half right when we try to justify that. First of all, we should say that those people who are judging them are not being very Christ-like. How can we be upholding the first commandment if we are always trying to crucify our brothers and sisters? We know we aren't perfect, so we shouldn't try to fool ourselves into feeling better by putting others down. You can't call yourself Christian when you do half of what Jesus says. You and I are telling people about the Gospel by pointing out what it says about what they're doing wrong, that is a horrible misuse of the responsibility God put on me and you. I'm not saying we all do this all the time, but we've all been guilty of it at one point or another.

What I'm saying is that if we are to bear the name of Christ, then we can't take it in vain. Otherwise, why take it at all? God already told us there would be fiery trials to await those that follow Him. Why would you want to put Christ's name on you and then do nothing with it? That's like walking into Germany or Japan during World War II unarmed and saying you're an American soldier. What's the point? Better to blindly enjoy your time on Earth and take what's coming in the end. Remember Revelation 3:16? That need not be you, me, or anyone else if we truly choose who we are to serve. So the next time you read the 10 commandments, think about them in more than just a literal immediate sense. Think about what that could mean from a life perspective as well. God loves us, and He doesn't ask more of us than we can handle, but that's only because He's the one holding us up. So don't be afraid, don't be embarrassed, ashamed, jealous... Just love and speak. Do it so that your life will have meaning. We are always searching for our purpose in life. We are motivated by that which we feel we are meant to do. In one sense, there is that good feeling you get from believing in yourself, but rather than just a feeling, try believing in God and getting some power and value which will be with you forever.

Moving On

2010-08-11T00:24:00.000-04:00

Life moves very fast and often in all the craziness, we forget to just live life. I don't know if everyone feels this way, but I consider a lot of people to be my friends and I would do anything for them. I hate the fact though that I have not kept in contact with many who used to be closest to me. I have put so much on my plate with school and extracurriculars that I lost touch with my family. That is what I consider you all, my family. I just hope that as we enter into this next phase of life, that we don't forget about each other. Maybe once we're out on our own, we can take advantage of our freedom to spend some time together. Good friends are hard to come by and I wouldn't trade you all for the world.

See many people say that life just happens, and that when change comes you have to accept it and move on. I don't believe in that. I believe that you can bring about change just as much as it can be brought on you. I am going to make a change this year, and it starts with keeping better contact with my closest friends. I love you all and I don't want to just move on. I may be a little naive, but I think that growing up is about embracing your childhood rather than letting go of it. It is the most longed for part of life, yet it is the shortest. I believe that God gave us childhood to find that love that goes deeper than just a man and a woman. It is about spending time with someone just because you like being around them. It's about being there when someone just needs someone to talk to. I miss you all too much to just be blowing smoke. We for real need to get back together soon.

--B.A.

"I can't wait until I'm older. There's nothing great about being young. Being young means that you're still naive. That's why it feels like you're soaring in the sky or sinking beneath the ocean... when someone you admire betrays you. Those emotions control your entire life, and can make you lose sight of who you are. By growing older, your heart grows more experienced. You grow one step farther away from being controlled by your feelings and are able to keep from soaring through the sky or sinking to the depths of the ocean. That's what it means to grow older."

~Hinamori Momo

--This is not to say that I hate youth, it's just an interesting perspective that I'm quoting.

Telltale Signs of the Coming Age

2010-08-10T23:55:00.000-04:00

I was reading an article by Paul Graham on the obsolescence of television today, and I started thinking about other things that are changing (growing rapidly or on their way out the door) due to technological advancement. On the topic of television, I find it interesting that most people my age that I talk to don’t watch television at all. The simple fact in our case is that we have other things to do (school, work, family, church, etc). With adults that have kids and full-time jobs and bills to pay, it is understandable that entertainment would take a back seat, but for a high school or college student that parties a couple times a month and spends the majority of their money on food and clothes (or tuition for those in college), they still have time for fun right? So where is that time going nowadays? I know the majority of you know the answer to this, but I found it uncanny when I really stopped to think about it, FACEBOOK. For all my student readers, what is it that our parents are always saying about our lack of ability to communicate? The majority of our free time is spent on “social networking”. Now I agree that it may not always (if ever) be the most constructive use, of time, but in today’s society, the whole world is but a click away, so learning to communicate through means of technology is a good skill to have. This is why I think that people should still speak and type proper English since soon online communication will be the norm in business as well, but I won’t go off on a tangent about that cause some people would get mad.

I also noticed the technological shift in my perception of pop culture. One of my dreams is to do notable work such as invent, write, etc. Rather than thinking about what an interview on television or a report on the news would say about me, I wondered what a Wikipedia article would say if someone were to write one (what picture they’d use, etc). This just shows a shift in thinking at least in my mind. I know I'm a bit more of a nerd than most (okay maybe more than a bit), but I find it interesting how things are beginning to change and in some ways you have an idea of where it's headed. Obviously God has control over that and only He truly knows, but that's the game we humans play. We try to learn something because we want to know something, but the more knowledge we gain, the more our eyes are opened to the wealth of knowledge and wisdom we lack. That's why I'm just glad God already knows everything so I don't have to rely on myself. I've tried it and trust me it's not a fun time.

What types of things do you see when you stop to think about your perspective on life? Take some time to evaluate your thought process, and enjoy the ride it takes you on. The path to self-discovery always leads to the One who made your self to be discovered.

--B.A.C.

Wilderness

2010-07-27T02:16:00.000-04:00

The wilderness is a place of growth. We often feel that we have been abandoned when we go into the wilderness, but the truth is that it is the exact opposite. God is right there guiding us like in every other part of our lives. See we humans feel distant from God at some times, but it is only our own senses and perspective. God did not create free will so that He could disregard it and puppet us around, but He did not create the universe so that it could completely turn away from Him and defile all that is good.

In the song "Wilderness" by the Supertones, Mojo says in the bridge, "God, do you really understand what it's like to be a man?" When we go through trials, we feel like God is not right there with us. The problem is, we have this one-dimensional view of God that He is only there to make us feel good and help us the way we want to be helped. In that wilderness experience, it is God's very presence that we are feeling. Those deep emotions are God reaching out to us trying to pull us in. He won't force us though. You see, it's just like relationships. You can't make them happen. People often try to rationalize love or change people's minds, but you have to let them make their own choice. God does this with us no matter how painful it is for Him. So the questions, "Have you ever felt the weight of loving all the things you hate? Have you struggled? Have you worried? How can you sympathize?" These are all questions that we hurl at God (and at others) just to try to justify our own stubbornness. We want people to look at us, to feel our pain, and to focus on our problems. God says, in 1 Corinthians 10:13, "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure."

Each person has problems to worry about. I have made the mistake far too many times of burdening others who are ready and willing to reach out to me without being willing to do the same for them. On top of that I was not looking to improve my own situation. The wilderness has many sides to it, but the key to traveling through the wilderness is decisions. Many of the Israelites made the wrong decision, and for that reason were doomed to wander the wilderness for the rest of their lives. You must choose who you are going to follow, and in so doing you chart your course through. This is simply a model for life. God designs our wilderness experience to teach us something that we will need in the future, but we can't think that it's only for us. God did not create billions of persons. He created mankind, people. We need each other, and we must operate in love. In order to do this, we must understand what love is. That is why God gave us the Bible. That is our guide to loving as He loves. But God also gave us people, specifically our family, to show us love and for us to show love. We can't just read the guide and not practice any of what it says. Vice versa, you can't just run around on the field before you've learned how to play unless you are planning to get knocked down many times.

This is not to say that we won't fall if we study and practice to live our lives according to the will of Christ, but our goal will be much clearer, and we won't make as many mistakes. Making mistakes is human, but there is also a right and wrong way to react to mistakes. "And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD." (Joshua 24:15)

Just chart your path on the right course, and it will take you where you ought to be. You'll also find that when you are following the Master, He gives you what you want as well. Don't doubt it, just try it.

Form vs Function: Thoughts of an Engineer

2010-06-27T21:11:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to feel like my trifling & superficiality is stifling my engineering spirit. When I say that I mean that I have focused a lot on appearance in my life. I also don't like to fail. As an engineer, work is going to be trial & error. I need to strengthen my resolve because it is only failure if I give up. In my time off from Carnegie Mellon, I need to reassess my priorities, my goals, my passions, and make a decision as to whether or not I am willing to put forth the work and make the sacrifices necessary to be what I say I'm trying to be. I am sitting next to my father on the way up to Pittsburgh right now, & we have been talking about different things. I see that I still have to be more honest & it is evident that I need to be more open. There can be no progress until I hash out the issues that are already on the table. God is showing me this in church right now. I recently taught a class for the first time at Vacation Bible School & I was convicted by every lesson I had to teach. I realize that God doesn't expect me to be perfect, but there are definite changes that I am readily able to make so that I can be a better light to my family and to those that I reach with the Word. Fanisha told me that she was surprised when she found out that I was teaching the class. I don't know whether that mean she felt that I was not the type that would teach or if she did not see me as an example & someone with wisdom and knowledge concerning the Gospel of Christ. Regardless, my actions & walk need to be more transparent and evident of my standing and my purpose. The only way to do this is to continue to study the Word as much as I did between Sunday and Wednesday when I was teaching. I cannot just study the Word either, but I need to commit those things that I have been trying to hold onto to God. As much as I love music I know that I will not be able to continue to listen to the music of the world. It is becoming less enjoyable to me anyways. God at least gives you joy in the things of His kingdom if you seek after them. I will just have to give up being the one with all the songs at parties. I love to dance though. There is plenty of danceable music that is clean and brings God glory, but it is much more difficult to find. I will have to search harder. My mother wants me to choreograph this piece for the Youth Crusade, & the hardest thing right now is coming up with a good song.

Learning to Live With Life

2010-06-13T09:14:00.001-04:00

Often times these days when I find myself with a free minute my mind wanders to far away places...

It's an interesting thing to have interests that no one else in your family takes part in, then trying to bring them into your world by introducing them to these things. I had dinner with my mom at Sorak Garden (설악가든 for the Korean readers) in Annandale, and it was... an experience lol. My Korean was to the point where I was confident enough to say a formal greeting to the owner when we left (next step, ordering in Korean!). I ordered bulgogi (불고기), and my mom had fried shrimp (a safe bet). She tried the bulgogi though, and she liked it! Since I'm taking physics II at Nova in Annandale, I've had more occasion to get acquainted with Koreatown ^^. It's interesting to see how a culture from halfway around the world just kinda sprouted in the middle of this American suburban area. According to Diane, it's grown out to Centreville now. I look forward to seeing that.

I'm getting more involved in church activities these days. I will be teaching a class for Vacation Bible School! I'm also helping plan the Youth Crusade by introducing some artists to my advisors in Soldiers 4 Christ. I hope to make more contributions as the year progresses, but for now I'm just taking it one step at a time. I'm still working which is awesome. God sends His blessings in interesting ways. Sometimes it just makes you think... "What are You planning, God?" I wanna know what He's got in store, but He will tell me when He sees fit. I just need to keep studying His Word, and keep working and studying like I should. I've been blessed to see a lot of my old friends the past couple weeks and make some new ones. I'm also working out regularly, and hopefully I'll find occasion to practice my dancing a couple times a week. I've almost got windmills down now. I just need to work on my top- and downrock so that I can do it with style. I'm still popping, but I am trying to do some other things. I feel like I get bored trying to do one thing too long, so I'm going to add b-boying and switch between that and popping so that I get some variety. I'm working on a choreographed piece. I need to find more Christian songs with good beats. Right now the selection is limited.

Going to church soon... Moms is almost ready. Right now I'm jamming to Sam Ock's new song, "Love". I love feel-good music. ^^

~Cymba

why are you so christian? never met anyone who looked to god so much lol

2010-05-30T20:33:00.001-04:00

I was raised that way. The fact is, I've learned from a young age the importance of God in my life. Part of instilling Godly principles in a child from a young age is not only that they mature in Christ as they grow up, but that it is instinctive. That is why God says that we must be as children.

Mark 10:15 "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

This is not to say that we have to be immature or childish in any negative way, but think about when you are an older sibling or a parent of a toddler. They trust you wholeheartedly because of who you are. It has nothing to do with what you give them or what you do for them. They love you and trust you and believe in you. You don't have to prove yourself to them. God shouldn't have to prove Himself to us. We shouldn't need miracles and blessings to trust Him. That's supposed to be the reward for our faith and our love.

Ask me anything

2010-05-16T04:02:00.000-04:00

May 16, 2010

The LORD saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time.

Genesis 6:5

What I thought of when I first read this verse was the fact that when this verse took place, God was ready to destroy life on this planet. When I look at my own life and at the world around me, I see that the world has become very much like this again. The difference that makes me happy to be alive is that we are not going to be destroyed this time because we are saved by grace. This past year I would have thought otherwise. I thought God was punishing me for all the wrongs I'd done. In reality, he was simply leading me through a trial. The fact that God always does things for a reason is one thing that for me is difficult to grasp because of some of the things that God allows to happen. This is not for me to know though. Another link I read tonight said that, "We'll choose the way our experience tells us rather than take a leap of faith. For, in the leap of faith is the unknown. So many of us just hold on to what we know. We live our lives by what we know. We do not open the door to the freedom of knowing that we're known and that in the knowledge that we are known comes life." My problem was that God's been waiting for me to take a leap of faith. I've been clinging to what I know (or what I think I know), and that is why I've been let down. I thought it was punishment, but in reality it was my own doing (or not doing). We must stay connected to God and to those around us because it is when we close our perspectives that we make the most foolish decisions and hurt those that want to see us succeed.

Quote of the Day April 30, 2010

2010-04-30T02:39:00.000-04:00

Found this on ModelMayhem of all places...

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

~Theodore Roosevelt~

Not You, You're Different

2010-04-27T03:05:00.002-04:00

So, I felt I needed to comment on this because more and more people seem to be bringing this up. Someone posted this question to my formspring the other day:

"I believe you when you say that you are straight, really i do. But do you understand that its very hard to take you seriously given the way you act?"

=> My response was:
"I know it's very hard to shake loose from the lines that the world has drawn to describe what defines sexuality, but I can't help the fact that I don't care.I'd be happy to help you out though if you could explain to me exactly what it is that makes you think I'm not straight."

I have to say that I can understand where some people might feel a bit confused because of some of the clothes I wear and because I'm totally comfortable commenting on a good-looking guy or watching a chick-flick. I feel that I need to shed some light on this. I usually don't care what "people" think, but I do consider the opinions of those close to me (family, friends, you understand). If it were someone who didn't know me, I would shrug it off, but this type of question has hit my formspring a couple times and that makes me think someone close to me is a bit confused.

So, what's my story? [ I know you Mitchell, you're about to go on and on about how stereotypes aren't true and people shouldn't let society shape their thoughts on sexuality etc etc ] Close, that was my initial angle. I feel that would just be me ranting rather than clearing the air. To say bluntly, I am not gay, nor have I ever been gay or thought about being gay. However, I have a few close friends that are gay, and they may or may not have influenced my style of choice in some cases. I am totally fine with them, I'm not criticizing them for their choice. God loves them and so do I, they're actually some of the nicest guys I know. I've told them this.

Moving beyond that, I think that this will bring a few things into perspective about my peculiarities in general. People are always asking me, "Why are you different?" "Why do you wear such tight jeans?" "Why are you so jacked?" [^_^ I had to say it] "Why are you so Asian?"... There are many others, but bottom line, I'm not your typical guy. So, what is the formula for such a conglomerate of characteristics?

Let's start with a little history about me. I was raised in the church and in a Christian School. I admit, I haven't been the shining image of God's Son, but I try. This is the reason for a couple peculiar characteristics though the most noticeable of which is that I do not curse. I attended this school for 8 years. They were broken years, I went to Emmanuel Christian School (ECS) from kindergarten to fifth grade, then I returned in 8th grade after two years at Manassas Park Middle School. Growing up at ECS, the environment was very sheltered due to the fact that it was a Christian school and that it was pretty small (about thirty kids give or take in my grade when I was there). In a school like this many people come and go as people move in and out of the area, parents decide if they want to pay the hefty tuition (which I thank my parents for footing even here at CMU). There were often kids at the school as punishment for being bad at a local public school or because they were kicked out and had no where else to go.

This is not to say that my school was a haven for miscreants and delinquents. That doesn't mean we were all angels either though. This is what I often tell my friends. People are people wherever you go, certain things may happen more or less but core things never change. I'll go into detail about that in another post another time. To the point, I learned how to behave like a good child even if I wasn't always doing all the right stuff. I learned to carry myself a certain way. This has often led people to look at me as a "nice guy" or a "good person". I am not saying that I don't try to be a good person, but everyone is self-critical to a point. When you know your faults, it's harder to accept compliments. I am happy though that I was able to establish such an image because it beats being looked at as a jerk or cocky or mean.

As far as style is concerned, historically (as in growing up) is because of my parents and church. I often received clothes from older brothers in the church that were still good enough to wear but they grew out of them or didn't wear them. Thank God, these guys had some style! I mean I remember I owned a purple suit and a white suit before I reached my teenage years. This is where my love for colors and style came from. These days, I pick up certain things of my own choice, and my gay friends (who happen to be fashionistas) also give me advice about what to (or not to) wear. I have to say, the yellow jeans were entirely my choice. Most everyone actually was against them lol. I wanted something that would stick out though. I've stuck out all my life and after a while I gave up trying to fit in and just figured I'd stick out how I wanted to.

I am a very sentimental person, and I often enjoy a good chick flick (romance, drama), Asian drama, or Soap Opera. To be honest, I can watch almost anything. I like to observe people, real or celluloid. I like to feel what they are trying to convey in works of art, and I like relating to people in real life. I like to engage in deep conversations and I often go on and on about some topics that most people wouldn't really think too much about. This is due to a great deal of different influences, but I believe that the largest influence is the fact that from a very young age I had only a few close male friends. I mean, I had my guy friends like any young boy, but I spent a great deal of time with the opposite sex. I kinda became the guy that girls would ask for guy advice or when they needed a guy opinion on something. I was very comfortable around women without any type of relationship being involved.

Over-sensitized by movies and my high level of female interaction led me to search for love at the tender age of 11. I have told many people this story, and I won't go into detail, but I had my first love (and I don't care what anyone says I know what it was) in the fifth grade. It was put on hold when I transferred schools then rekindled in 8th grade when I returned to ECS. I'm not going into details because it's personal (for me and for her). I have even taken personality tests that say I am more of a feelings-driven person. This is a characteristic that was shared by the majority of the women that took this test when I did.

So, I guess you could say I'm a softy, a Momma's boy, or whatever else. This doesn't change the fact that I played my fair share of sports. I was involved in Track & Field, Basketball, and football (very manly LOL) through high school. I was very focused on developing my body during these years especially, but I first started body sculpting in middle school when I adopted a regimen of push-ups and sit-ups that I followed religiously at night before bed. I was blessed with good genes, but I just want people to know that if you really condition your body that you can get into very good shape. I've seen a dude go from bowling ball to body builder status in a year. It's totally possible.

So, what's with all the Asian stuff? As most of you already know, I do have a soft spot for Asian women, and of course an interest could sprout from such an interest, but the honest truth is that this came later. What really started it, was music. I love music more than alot of other things. Lately, I've been more concerned with volume than quality, but I hope soon to get back to my favorites and what I love most. I love to listen to music and feel what an artist is communicating through their songs. The first Asian artist (I actually discovered her through a video game) was Utada Hikaru for me. Some of you may know what I'm talking about, Kingdom Hearts. After finding out who sang "Simple and Clean", I wanted to find out if this artist had such passion in all of her music. (Funny, her song for the 2nd Kingdom Hearts installment was titled "Passion") She is truly an angelic songbird in my opinion. I only wish that her American career had grew further, but she is still making music and she's found a permanent place in Japan's heart so I will hope for her to continue and grow in her success.

Anyways, after learning of more of Utada's music, I wanted to learn Japanese so that I could truly appreciate her music in it's truest form (her native tongue). Actually, her native tongue is English considering she was born in New York! You know what I mean though... So, once I started seeking out more Japanese music I learned of other things like literature and martial arts and anime. I found other friends that liked similar things, and some of them were Asian (go figure). I started to learn about Korean music and culture my second and third year in high school because some of my closest friends from high school are Korean. One of them taught me the Korean alphabet, and my only regret is that it's been 4 years and I'm still not fluent in Korean yet. (I'm sorry Danni, I've been slacking ㅠ_ㅠ) Chinese naturally followed because everyone was telling me that it was a more practical language to learn if I'm gonna learn an Asian language (How many Chinese people in the world? OK). So, hence, my goal to become fluent in the three major Asian languages. My obsession with dramas and anime just fed my passion for the arts and for drama and romance.

That's all I have for now, hope this gives you a bit more of an understanding about me, and maybe you can feel free to talk to me about things in person rather than posting anonymously and being left wondering about me.

I believe you when you say that you are straight, really i do. But do you understand that its very hard to take you seriously given the way you act?

2010-04-25T22:00:00.001-04:00

I know it's very hard to shake loose from the lines that the world has drawn to describe what defines sexuality, but I can't help the fact that I don't care.

I'd be happy to help you out though if you could explain to me exactly what it is that makes you think I'm not straight.

Ask me anything

Baby Don't Cry

2010-04-23T15:43:00.000-04:00

I want to apologize in advance for all those that will find this post too random or too emo. Also, I'd like to dedicate this to all those who at any point in their lives felt like giving up on something whether it was becoming a hot model, being the most Asian guy on campus, pursuing a hard major, or even life itself.
I am writing this right now because I have some people I need to thank.
To the first person I need to say thank you for just always being thoughtful. I don't see you very often, but however infrequently it is you never fail to acknowledge me and try to keep up with how I'm doing. After what you said the other day, I really feel like God brought you to me that day to wake me up. "Everybody knows what to do. It's just a matter of doing it." You may have just thought you were commenting on the hardships of college life, but that was something that I've needed to hear for a while. I think it finally sunk in. Thank you, you know who you are.
To this girl who is always there for me when I need someone to talk to, to cook me dinner, to give me a place to pass out (cause I always would), or just to be around so I don't feel alone. I'm sorry that I played with your feelings at first. That's what makes you truly strong though is that you looked past that and saw that I really needed you. You've been a real friend to me even though I often don't have time to come to things you invite me to. And even though I didn't see it after it was complete, I know you and your girls built an amazing booth. We both learned that sometimes it's not about winning first place this year. If I could describe you in one word, it would no doubt be dependable. 100%, thank you, you know who you are. PS, you make awesome stir fry.
To my first real 형 (hyung), I know I am making a lot of the same mistakes that you did and a fair deal of my own, but you have been a great help to me. You've been there for me to talk to, given me real honest feedback, and took me out for breakfast and coffee. I don't think any other older guys have taken as much of an interest in me. Even though you're on the other side of the country now, I will do my best to stay in touch and take your advice to heart. On a lighter note, I get a ton of compliments on the coat you gave me. You've got style man. 갑사합니다 (Thank you), you know who you are.
Lastly but most certainly not least, to the one that's sought to understand me, I know that I am not very transparent most of the time, but it's like they say, "People who are guarded are afraid that you can see right through them. That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy." Though you probably know more than most of the people around here, I can understand that when it comes to the Lord there is no almost, there's truth and lies, good and bad, sin and obedience. And to answer your question, yes I do see what I've lost. The day you showed your biggest dream is when I felt the weight of that loss. You fought to look past my faults, but I was too caught up in myself to see that you were truly hurt. Thank you for all you taught me, and thank you for seeing through my facade. Thank you for loving me. You know who you are.

I wrote all of these for a few reasons. First, I really am thankful to/for these people, and I hope I was detailed enough that they know unmistakeably who they are. Also, I just wanted to say that anyone who feels like they might be in a no-win situation that things are always better than it seems if you really look at it. God has put people around you that really care. There are many others that I have not mentioned, my family, close friends, uncles and aunts. I didn't want this to turn into any more of a pouring out of my heart than it already was. I could probably fill pages and pages if I wrote everyone down. I just wanted to mention the ones that have most immediately stood out in my mind. I was listening to 2Pac, which is a first, the song "Baby Don't Cry (Keep Ya Head Up II)" which inspired me to write this after I heard 2Pac say "You gotta find a way to survive cause they win when your soul dies." I thought about the fact that I've been under attack by a lot of demons for a while now. It's true that when you're trying to do the right thing that the devil will come after you. My problem was that things were going well for so long I thought that I was untouchable. Like they say, "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." In my case, it was convincing me that he has no power. You see, it's not that the devil is powerless. It's just that compared to God he is. Compared to us, he's pretty strong. When you start thinking that you're doing something or you're depending on yourself, that's when the devil can take control.
I fooled myself saying I knew what my problem was and it wasn't gonna change overnight. I tried to "understand" what was going on. I focused on everything except Who I really needed to focus on, God. It's really a tough thing to accept that our feeble human minds can't grasp the things not of this world. I always told myself that the Lord blessed me with a great mind, but no matter how great a human mind is, it is still limited. God is so far beyond us. We humans are creatures of habit, and we don't have the ability to really multitask. If we could, then maybe we could fight our battles and draw closer to God at the same time. God said He would fight our battles and we should just seek after him. When we fight our own battles we lose. It's just that simple.

Random Quote:
It's Usually True What "They" Say: "Whoever loves most in a relationship is likely to be hurt."

Verses on my heart:
Psalm 119:103
Acts 1:7
Acts 10:43

Serious question: ever been in love with one of ure best friends but didnt tell her cus u were too scared of what might happen in the future? Im in that situation right now, dont wanna ruin what we got, yet dont wanna see her with another man......

2010-04-07T19:25:00.001-04:00

You don't want to see her with another man? Are you sure that's love? There are a lot of reasons that a man wouldn't want to see a woman with another man. I wouldn't put love at the top of that list. I've had first hand experience with telling a best friend and also not telling a best friend. It's all a matter of how patient you are. If she's with another man, but you think she also likes you then maybe she's just waiting for you to make a move. If you don't think she's interested in you, then sharing couldn't hurt. Don't expect an instant return.

You should be able to talk to her about anything if you're her best friend, but you can't expect her to just love you back at least not at first. You have to earn a woman's heart.

I'm all for being straightforward and honest, but be ready for whatever a relationship will bring which could include you bringing you closer together or further apart. Do what you feel, don't regret. The most painful love is secret love. It's worse than unrequited love.

Ask me anything

Adding to the Noise

2010-04-02T02:48:00.001-04:00

I was listening to this song by Switchfoot today, "Adding to the Noise", and I started thinking. This song seems pretty innocent and friendly, but it became a deep gripping song for me in a short moment. "If we're adding to the noise, turn off this song." That's your typical rocker care-free attitude right? They're not going to beg you to like them. They are who they are. Let's think about it outside the context of music for a moment though. This song seems to also be an expression of a deep-seated desire for purpose.

Think about it.

No one wants to be useless on this earth. If we're not helping anything or more importantly anyone, we're merely taking up oxygen, "adding to the noise" so to speak. This is more-so directed at God I feel. It's like saying 'God, if I'm not making this world a better place, why am I here?' Now I would never say "Lord, if You don't think I'm a fruitful fig tree, then curse me dead," but just think what it would be like if God had ratings and Billboard Charts for Christians like musicians and Pop Stars. I'd be afraid to see where I stand. I don't want to be one of those one-hit wonders that pollutes the airwaves with junk for empty reasons and disappears just as quickly as I came onto the scene.

God says himself through James "... that faith without works is dead?" There are many other references that I will post later, but the main point is that I am constantly looking at my life. I want to know that what I do and say makes a positive difference. I say positive difference because when I think about it anyone can make a difference, but it's not always a good one. My ECS basketball coach Chris Hobbs said in a message once that we can never be neutral. We either go up or go down. This means we can never be content with where we are. I'm not saying not to take time to enjoy life, but the bane of a Christian's existence can be summed up in one word, complacency.

God's Higher Standard (Mark 11:12-14)

2010-03-29T22:59:00.004-04:00

So while re-reading the passage from yesterday's message at church, I stumbled upon something that intrigued me. The passage that Pastor James spoke from yesterday was Mark 11:1-14, Jesus' triumphant entry to Jerusalem. I did not notice this during the sermon, but this morning something struck me about the last three verses in this particular passage. It says:

¹²The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry.¹³Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs.¹⁴Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.

In this passage, we see a more human side of Jesus. First off, he is hungry. He sees a fig tree in the distance, and walks up to see if there is any fruit on it. Now, we know God is all-knowing, right? I understand that He was to experience life as a human in order to be the perfect sacrifice, so it is not surprising that He would walk up to the tree as if He didn't already know that there were no figs. It's similar to God calling out to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden after they ate the forbidden fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He knew what they had done, and he knew exactly where they were, but He was giving them an opportunity to expose themselves, to confess, and to shame the Devil that tricked them. We know how that story went...

I am not however comparing this fig tree to Adam and Eve, but in a way I do feel that this tree symbolizes people and I will get to that in a moment. The second point that intrigued me is the fact that after "seeing" that there were no figs on the tree, Jesus cursed the tree saying "May no one ever eat fruit from you again". Now, this seems like a very human thing to do, and if I had not read the 11 verses prior and 11 verses following this passage (before-and-after study method I picked up from my Bible teacher), I would not have seen God's divine purpose for this action. Again, that is to come later. Continuing, Mark specifically includes the fact that the disciples heard Jesus curse the tree. This would seem like a very unfair thing to do. The Bible says that it was not the season for figs, so the fact that the tree was fruitless was to be expected. Why then would you curse a tree for following its natural cycle? I can only imagine what the disciples thought about what Jesus said at that moment. "Wow, He must be really hungry." "I wonder if that tree will continue to live." "Is that how our Lord and Savior deals with those that don't please Him?" These are just some thoughts that I think would be bouncing around the disciples' minds. If I were there, I would have thought, "Jesus, what reason could you have for cursing a tree carrying no fruit out of season?" Why? This is the question I often ask of most things.

Continuing past verse 14, Jesus and the disciples enter the Temple, and Jesus begins turning tables and shouting. This is where the wrath of the Lord is shown in full. After the happenings in Bethany, could the disciples not wonder if maybe Jesus was not already a bit irritable because He was hungry and the fig tree was fruitless? I would wonder. It almost makes it seem that Jesus' actions though justified were triggered by a simple human emotion, anger.We know that Jesus had a reason for everything that He did and He did not sin, but this makes me wonder what some people's perspective of Jesus must have been at this time. After leaving the Temple, Jesus and the disciples passed by the fig tree again, and Peter noticed that it was the same tree and it was now withered. This is where Jesus shows His true motive for cursing the tree. He tells the disciples, who probably didn't expect the tree to die (I mean it's Jesus so we would say why wouldn't you expect it right?), that if they have faith that the things they pray for will come true. They will be able to do miracles like Jesus did, and more.

This also shows us that anger is not a bad thing in and of itself. The truth is that all people get angry sometime. God shows us here that being angry itself is not a sin, but rather letting that anger control you and doing something that you otherwise wouldn't (as a Christian) do.

Going back to the tree, this is how I believe the tree symbolizes us. If you paid attention to the title of this post, it will make sense because this was the main point that I thought of when I decided to write this. Think of yourself (as I thought of myself) as the tree. Your Creator wants something from you, and He's walking right up to you. This is how life is. It's you and God. He is looking at you every day saying, "What do you have for Me?" In our case, since Jesus died on the cross. We will not be cursed to death like that fig tree. We get second chances, third chances, etc etc. Our excuse can't be because it isn't "our season", the Lord is standing in front of you. The world makes excuses, the Lord makes things happen. Because the world says that it's okay if we're not bearing fruit doesn't mean that we shouldn't have something for our Lord when He comes calling. The Lord's standard does not have a time limit. To relate this to myself personally, I have not been doing as well as I could with my grades. I've talked to some people about it, and they say, "Well college is hard," or "It was your first year," just trying to make excuses for me. For a time, I sort of believed it, but I know in my heart that it wasn't my best effort. The fact is God expects much out of us. It is tough because we can never measure up to God's standard, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't seek each day to get a bit closer. With God as our strength we can do more than we think. When I tell people I am an ECE major, they often say "Isn't that hard?" My thought is, just because it is hard doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile or doable. It is what we are supposed to do after all, so it really isn't up to us. We should never think it is okay to be fruitless trees. There are times where we are more fruitful than others and times where we make mistakes, but we should never be complacent or making excuses for ourselves. We must get up from those pitfalls and keep striving to be that believer that God made us to be.

Human Emotion

2010-03-23T17:40:00.000-04:00

“It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes... we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones.”

~Alexander Solzhenitsyn~

Robert Akins - Skittish

2010-03-23T03:44:00.000-04:00

This song has hit me deep, and I wondered if there was really something to the lyrics. I looked up the title, "Skittish" to see if it's meaning was what I thought it was. It is, and it fits how I've been feeling lately. Thus, I wrote out the lyrics and am posting them here.

Skittish:

1. apt to start or shy: a skittish horse.
2. restlessly or excessively lively: a skittish mood.
3. fickle; uncertain.
4. shy; coy.

==================
Yeah...
Yeah, uh yo
I put my soul out
so I can try and hold out
but I hold it in and I'm walking on a cold route
No high hopes now, they all fell out
Cause no way that I'mma sellout to sell out

Right?
I got too much dignity
I worked too hard no one's taking this from me!
I'm kinda passionate
I'm something like you're advocate
But s***, even I get sick of me...

I'm kinda different,
I'm kinda skittish
So I deliver like my heart just missed a beat
Try and get rid of me
But watch yourself when you make a hypocrite of me
True s***!
Don't try and mimic me
I'm nowhere near perfect and I really don't pretend to be
So I don't get why most n***** envy me
Lookin in my mouth like "Rob, who your dentist be?"
I swear almost all of the friends of me
At one point gon' switch to being enemies
I'll act surprised like "Oh, I don't believe it"
When my whole life, I've been hooked to anesthesics
Man, I'm so numb to the pain
Used to the hurt I don't know when I'm bleeding
I'm trying to take over the world and it's people
What? Did you not get the memo last meeting?

Yeah, Robert Akins!
=======================

If you all are interested in hearing about this guy, Robert Akins, his websites are:
http://www.myspace.com/treborsnika
http://www.treborsnika.tk/
He could stand to clean his lyrics up, but I'm promoting this one song right now cause it's been an earworm that sorta characterizes my emotional state at the moment.

Sex and Love

2010-03-02T03:54:00.000-05:00

So I said something that (I think) was really profound this morning in a text message to one of my friends, but due to the fact that I somehow accidentally turned off AutoSave, I don't have it in my Sent Messages box. This is my attempt to restate it as well as elaborate on it as it relates to one of my favorite topics, Love. A friend of mine was having some troubles understanding the way the Bible describes how we ought to love. The Bible tells us a lot of things about loving family, friends, significant others, and even enemies. My friend (we'll call them Justice to protect identity and gender) recently heard a message given by a pastor and his wife. This particular couple was one of those rare couples that you find in today's modern society. They did not touch each other until after they were married! No kissing, hugging, and, obviously, no SEX. Can you believe it? I know it's a tough thing to grasp these days, and Justice was having a time of it themself (haha no him- or her- here!). The fact is, more people keep themselves and their relationship pure than we might think. Living in this world it is easy to think that you may stick out. The fact is, you probably do, but just because you stick out doesn't mean you're alone. God told us that HE set us apart (Psalm 4:2-4), so we can not expect to follow Him and completely fit into our society. Don't think that God is going to ask you to do something that He doesn't expect from all of us. And don't think that God is going to ask you to do something without a good reason for doing it. Growing up in a Christian Black household, I've come to realize that God doesn't use "because I said so", and even when your parents do, it's not that they don't have a good reason, it's just that they want you to trust them. Just because the Bible doesn't say, "No sex before marriage cause you might get an STD" or "No lying because it hurts you and the people around you" doesn't mean that God is not just in His expectations of us. The wonderful thing about God is that everything that He tells us to do, He gives us the ability to do. In fact, we usually benefit from following God's word. Sometimes it doesn't seem that we benefit because God lets us go through trials, but He will always give us what we need and reward us for chasing after Him (Hebrews 11:6).

Now, on to the topic of the night, physical relationships. I think it is quite clear in the Bible as to how we should approach sex, but for most the questions arise about the other stuff. Kissing is okay right? If we just hug or kiss there's nothing wrong right? (I'm gonna keep this PG so that's as far as I'll go). Hypothetically, yes, it is okay to be passionate and physical while remaining sexually pure (I'm no pastor, so if you want clear cut details on this issue, please talk to one). I would venture to say that 90% of people who engage in physical intimacy before marriage aren't though, because it is just a precursor to the next step. Some will say, well I know I'll never go that far, so it's okay. Think about this though, God calls us to be pure not only in our bodies, but also in our minds. When's the last time your thoughts led further than your actions when you were with your girlfriend/boyfriend? Chew on that for a minute...

Now, rather than go on and on about what we've obviously heard about 100 times, I will continue to what my point was for this post. Justice (hasn't been mentioned in a while, but remember, my friend) feels that they won't be able to be close with their girlfriend/boyfriend without a physical relationship because they just "can't see themselves holding back". Justice feels, as many of us may feel including myself, that it is just a natural part of being in a relationship. I am not saying that I have never kissed a girl, so I have things to work on myself. There is, however, a certain order in which things are to be done. This is one of God's favorite points of emphasis, order. The reason being, that when things are done in order (and not just any order but God's order), they always turn out ∞ times better than the way we'd have tried to do it. No matter how well we see things turning out in the future or how well we think things are going in the present, God's way would make it that much better and more. I believe that the first focus for any couple should be finding out 2 things together. They should seek to find out how they can follow what God has planned for them, and seek to find out if God has planned to make them a couple for life. As Christians, everything that we do should help us to grow in Christ. Hope you're still reading cause here's the punchline. Couples should study the Bible together on a regular basis because growing together in Christ will bring your hearts closer together than any physical acts of intimacy. Once you are centered around the One who is love, the relationship you have will be truly fulfilling. Sex is merely a celebration of the love that the Lord has given us. This celebration though is for those whose flesh has been joined together by marriage. Such an act creates a strong bond, and separating that bond is damaging to the heart and spirit. As I said in a previous post, this is why it is painful to go through breakups. When something as serious as sex is brought into the picture, it takes so much to tear yourself away, but since God was not first with that couple, the union was not pure to begin with. Even people that get married don't always have their priorities in order as is seen with the acceptability of divorce in today's society.

Clearly, what can't be done has been harped on enough, so why not look to what can be done? During the KUPC Winter Retreat, Pastor Sung, James, and Rhee spoke about relationships during the Q&A panel discussion. One thing that I remember one of them mentioning was opening up your relationship. Spend more time with friends, and make dates in groups rather than one on one. This will break that tension and keep those that care about you involved (because you know they're asking anyways). Focus more on getting to know each other and making each other better. There are so many ways to do this. I will probably have to make another post about this sometime because for now this is all I have. Keep that main key in mind though, the Lord is the one who can bring our hearts together like no other, and we will be closest through Him. He made our hearts, wouldn't He know how best to fill them with love?

formspring.me

2010-02-18T22:50:00.001-05:00

What is your favorite color?

Let's go with purple

Ask me anything

Why is love playing hard to get?

2010-02-16T09:14:00.002-05:00

When you want something or someone so much at any point in Time, they tend to shy away from you. Falling in love is like giving your heart away. You may get someone else's heart in return in which case the two become one (marriage), or you may walk around Heartless telling the coldest story in which case walking that lonely road will leave you with an Icebox. If that person to whom you gave your heart likes you back, they may just keep your heart for a while but then give it back. Giving it back leaves a small piece with them because while they were holding on to it, it was beginning to join with their heart. Letting love go unconfessed is like throwing a piece away. The person you gave it to doesn't know they have it, so they drop it inadvertently. You can't walk around tossing your heart to the first one that catches your eye. This is known as wearing your heart on your sleeve. You see, I Bruise Easily, so each person that touches me leaves their own mark. It takes time to mend these wounds. I thought I was Ready For Love, but after Tearing Up My Heart, I let it Burn, gave my Confessions, and Let Go. Now when love comes around, I don't show my heart so easily. At times if you get Weak and forget to protect your heart, love will Knock You Down. So I guess you could say the game goes both ways.

Ask me anything

If you could only listen to one song for the next month, which would it be?

2010-02-16T08:41:00.002-05:00

Hahaha... this must have been by chance, but what a fitting question:

Hikaru Utada - Fight the Blues
Sam Ock feat. J Han - Never Change
Sam Ock, J Han, CL - See You In Heaven
Maxwell - Pretty Wings

... are all possibilities, but to give a definitive answer, the song I would listen to is:

B. Reith - Awe-Struck

:)

Ask me anything

What was the worst concert you went to?

2010-02-16T08:30:00.002-05:00

Considering that I've only been to about 3 concerts in my life, I'd say none of them.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-02-09T05:35:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/mholoman

Youth and Experience

2010-01-24T21:55:00.002-05:00

"I can't wait until I'm older. There's nothing great about being young. Being young means that you're still naive. That's why it feels like you're soaring in the sky or sinking beneath the ocean... when someone you admire betrays you. Those emotions control your entire life, and can make you lose sight of who you are. By growing older, your heart grows more experienced. You grow one step farther away from being controlled by your feelings and are able to keep from soaring through the sky or sinking to the depths of the ocean. That's what it means to grow older." Don't say petty things like "women have expiration dates."

~Hinamori Momo (Bleach episode 239)

Oh Hey, I See You Around Alot, But Have We Met?

2010-01-22T01:08:00.000-05:00

Hi, so I know that I rant about Facebook and MySpace hardcore, but this one is really hard for me to grasp. So I log in to Facebook one day, and I see a friend request from a lady whose name I can't even pronounce. I look at her page, and she's from Sweden or some place in Europe... I know one person that lived in Ukraine, but other than that, all my friends at least reside in the US and are in my age bracket... This woman was around 35 and had no ties to America that I could see. I sent her a message because I thought maybe she sent the request to me by mistake. I said "Hi, pardon my memory if I forgot, but have we met?" She politely and bluntly says "No, but if you want friends, accept me!" That is a bit of a paraphrase because her English was broken even with such a short sentence. That was the most extreme request, obviously I politely responded "I'm sorry, but I don't accept friends I don't know or have some connection with." This is my personal preference just because I am not trying to be the victim of an Internet scam or worse identity theft or any of the other dangers of the Internet. I prefer to just stay in my circle. I am broadening it. I mean I'm not doing too bad I don't think. I currently have 1860 friends on Facebook. Keeping up with them is tough enough, I don't think I need to add random people I don't know. Occasionally I'll look someone up that I'd like to meet, but they have to be someone I will see without going too far out of my way. It keeps things somewhat secure.

That's the creepy tip for the day. Now on to the socially awkward tip. We all have those people whom we see on a regular basis yet we don't know. Maybe they're a neighbor, maybe they're in a class or job with you, or maybe they just walk the same path at some time of the day. If you pass them, the familiarity causes most people to do one of two things. One thing they may do is look at you and sheepishly wave or say "Hi" then go upon their merry way (or depressing way however you want to describe them). The other thing they may do is avoid eye with you. If you pay attention, you can tell when people genuinely have other things on their mind or when they are trying to avoid any human contact with you. I prefer to just stop if there's time and just say something to the tune of, "Oh hey, I see you around a lot, but have we met?" This initializes contact and sorta breaks the awkward familiarity (the idea of awkwardness has pervaded 21st century society). I've actually made a few good friends this way, and if not at least you know the person's name and can properly address them in passing. Fun little game, remembering people's names. I have a hard time asking a 2nd or third time what someone's name is so I tend to just hang around until someone else addresses them then call them by name another time I see them. If you forget someone's name, NEVER call them by name right after someone else did because it's almost obvious at that point that you forgot... Well maybe it's not obvious, but my social paranoia leads me to think people know exactly what I'm thinking/feeling all the time. So it's kinda hard. But I am working on it.

Anyways, the moral of the story is there is no hurt done by meeting people. If you never speak again no harm done. People are what bring this world it's newness, and this quote I think is inspiring yet sad. It is how I see life in some aspects. It is from an anime called Bleach. Yes, go ahead and laugh, but meaningful things can be found in the most unexpected places.

"Sometimes I think that everyone on this planet is connected together by countless cords… We try so hard to keep those cords from getting severed. But despite our best efforts, they always wind up being severed. And it's very hard to set up a new connection with some people. I still can't do it." ~Mizuiro Kojima~

So touch people! That's all I want to do, and God calls us to do so, so it should be a point you make each day. Spread God's love so that more people can smile each day.

Switchfoot - This Is Your Life

2009-12-20T18:00:00.000-05:00

I like to listen to the lyrics in songs. I try to think about why the artists wrote what they wrote. I also like to relate my own feelings to the songs that speak to me. I was listening to Switchfoot's "This Is Your Life", and one line caught my attention more so than in the past many times that I've heard it. Why did Jon Foreman say, "when the world was younger,"? "Is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger when you had everything to lose." The I understand that he means 'is your life where you thought it would be years ago,' but why the world? Why not when you were younger? It's quite an interesting thing. I feel it may be because we're not the only thing that changes as time passes. Sometimes it's not even us that change, but other changes can affect us. That's why it's important to live every day to the fullest. You don't know what may happen that can change the world around you.

Fortune Cookie Prayer

2009-12-11T01:34:00.002-05:00

If these words You have for me, then let these words be true as Thee. This I pray to you, my Lord, that you would speak these written words.

I thought of this the other day. I have always been a firm believer in God, and as the Lord says many times in His word, He can use anything to spread his message and do his work. For this reason, I don't look down upon fortune cookies because I believe that they can be inspiring and encouraging. I did not start saying the words above until yesterday, but my feelings were always as such. The Lord speaks to us how He chooses, so I read them and ask the Lord if it is something that He has for me. If it is, then it will be so, and if not, then it was just a pleasant, unpleasant, or sometimes lukewarm quote. I often say to myself, "Luck is for the faithless," because I believe that God chooses what fortunes will come our way. If we are following His path, then we will meet with trials, but He will bring us blessings for being faithful. We must press on because Jesus pressed on when He had no reason but love to save us. His situation was far worse than anything we will ever face, and so we must be strong in knowing we are His creations. We were made to live for Him. Since we have such a wonderful Creator, don't you think that He would give us what we need to succeed?

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I search for God in every little part of my life, and at times I believe He uses unconventional methods to speak. This does not make His words of any less value to us. We must press on.

Opportunity

2009-12-10T12:24:00.001-05:00

"Chances are like thieves. We never know when they will come, and we don't know how much we've lost until after they're gone."

Heaven in View

2009-12-07T23:06:00.003-05:00

Sometimes she would cough, and take a pill or two, like "*cough* *cough*... who me Baby? I'm alright. I just have Heaven in view."
She smiled. We smiled too but we all knew.
However what she did is what we all ought to do.
She lived.
She gave it all she had to give.
No shorts, no half-stepping she had the energy of a little kid
who felt that he or she were a little big,
and so they're doing everything just trying to feel a little bit
of the satisfaction that comes from enjoying your actions.
Packing life into every moment that you happen to have now
knowing that anything can happen now,
and you gotta do what you can now to be happy now,
and you gotta get it while you got it now,
so since you have it now grab it now and live.
Live every day doing things that bring joy to you.
Live every day like you have Heaven in view.
She said that every day in just her smile.

Now I only knew her for a short while
and we worked together for a short mile,
but I noticed she wasn't short on style.
And she wasn't short on them smiles.
But Sometimes she would cough and take a pill or two like "*cough* *wheeze*... Who me baby? I got it better than you.
I have Heaven in view,"
And I thought how does one feel knowing that Heaven is getting closer to you,
and pretty soon it won't be in view it's gates will open for you.
She said, "Well what you ought to do is get a little Heaven in you.
That way you'll always have something to look forward to whenever you're feeling blue.
So many people are so scared of dying that they live scared to,
and some are killing themselves living in stress, confused. But me?
I ain't scared to live or die, because no matter what I go through,
I can't focus on these little earthly problems I have Heaven in view.
There's no room for anything else.
To view Heaven you need a wide angle lens,
and though I don't have a wide wad of ends or drive a wide body Benz,
I have a wide body of friends who love me far and wide without end.
Our lives, God lends us to see what we gon' do,
so why I ride the wind is because I have Heaven in view.
She said that every day in just her hello.

I said with all this talk of Heaven, what about Hell though?
Everybody's on some old "Heavens yes," and "Hell no!"
When death is thought of, Heaven's thought of, you ever notice how Hell is not?
She said, "That's because Heaven's such a chill spot
that people forget that Hell is hot.
And well, it's not
free admission though some may argue that point.
And it's not attainable by wishful thinking so some are gonna be disappointed.
After death don't doubt there is a door too.
That place a lot of folks don't talk about but where a lot of folks are gonna go to
because you don't get to Heaven just by dying
no matter who you left crying.
And you can't fly in though some poor fools die trying.
You gotta follow the steps of the Heaven sent Heaven resident He can show you.
And don't expect Him to let you in when you don't do what you're supposed to.
And don't make any excuse to live how you choose, do only as He told you.
Do that, and no matter what happens, you'll always have a Heaven to go to.
She said that every day in just her laugh.

Regrettably she died shortly after,
And she died before I could ask her
If I could get a chance to look through her view master.
Because she had better vision than you can get at LensCrafters.
Maybe now I could ask a pastor if they knew how she got that view factor.
And maybe he or she could lead me on the right path to capture that type of rapture.
Cause there has been some time after she has past away, but
I can still hear her laughter some days.
Her laughter some say stays to remind us of what we all ought to do.
How we all ought to live every day like we have Heaven in view.
She lived,
proving that you can prevail through, because whatever ails you, aids too.
She lived
proving that you can prevail through whatever ails you, AIDS too.
She had Heaven in view,
she had Heaven In view,
she had Heaven In View,
she had Heaven H... I, in.. V, view...
She had Heaven in view... Do you?

~Komplex a.k.a. Kowboy Kom (the title is a link to his MySpace page)

화이팅!

2009-12-02T12:38:00.004-05:00

The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all. That is why one must always persevere through all hardship. No one knows when their flower will bloom.

B-Boying

2009-12-01T03:36:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to share this link with you all. It meant a lot to me because as a dancer you never want to be labeled. Especially as a hip-hop dancer. I started dancing merely because I liked to do it. His thoughts on jamming vs battling, youtube videos, and old school vs new school are issues that I think come up in many aspects of dance as well as music and other art forms. People often put out things merely for recognition rather than simply to express themselves.

In this age of technology, it's very easy to access most popular performances. Things are extremely competitive because people are constantly comparing new blood to those already established artists. It's very easy to get caught up in image and reputation rather than dancing or creating whatever kind of art for the love of that art. Pop culture is often criticized for this very reason. Entertainment is a job of making money. It is much more difficult to follow one's own passions and interests to the fullest when trying to please fans and sell a product.

Anyways, I found these words of wisdom inspirational, check this guy out.

More Than A Stance - "A Cypherside Chat with Poe One"

Never Change (J Han feat. Samuel Ock)

2009-11-30T18:34:00.003-05:00

This dropped instantly into my list of favorite Christian rap songs. I can't believe artists like this are around and I don't know about them. I can't call myself a music appreciator unless I find all the best music out there. This is the start of a new search, and I shall share all my findings with the world.

Click here to download the song!
P.S. This guy sorta sounds like T.O.P. ^_^

Inspirational Quotes from Terry Crews

2009-11-30T10:28:00.000-05:00

Terry Crews came all the way from California to speak at the 2009 LCVC Jack & Jill Cotillion-Beautillion, and I had the pleasure of attending. These are some of the quotes that I jotted down when he was speaking.

"Soak up any bit of motivation you can find, like gravy."

"Nobody determines what happens to me but me."

"No one will ever ever ever outwork me."

[Said about his work to attain a football scholarship to Western Michigan] "The people who believed in me and invested in me. I didn't let them down."

~Terry Crews

If you don't know his story, he's gone through quite a bit to get to where he is now, but he did it by being intentional about his goals, and not letting anything discourage him from pressing on. I was inspired by his speech, and I hope you all are inspired by these words.

Manga/Anime/Drama/Movie List

2009-11-22T02:36:00.010-05:00

These are all the Manga, Anime and Asian Dramas that I have read/watched. Just thought I'd share in case you're looking for any good material. I am still new, but I liked these :)

-Dramas/Movies-

~IRIS
~Volcano High
~You're Beautiful
~Casshern (Movie)
~Personal Preference
~Pasta
~Soulmate
~The 1st Shop of Coffee Prince (커피프린스 1호점)
~Hello Schoolgirl (순정만화 - Movie)
~Fated to Love You
~200 Pounds Beauty (Movie)
~Hana Kimi (ざかりのたちへイケメンパラダイス）
~Hana Yori Dango （より）
~Boys Before Flowers (꽃보다 남자)
~Meteor Garden (Yes, I know they're all the same)
~Full House (풀하우스)
~Modern Housewives (신현모양처)
~Over the Rainbow (오버더 레인보우)
~Cyborg She （僕の彼女はサイボーグ - Movie）

-Anime-

~Hajime no Ippo
~Code Geass
~Ao no Exorcist
~Tiger & Bunny
~One Piece
~History's Strongest Disciple Kenichi
~C: The Money of Soul and Possibility Control
~Samurai Champloo
~Bleach
~Fate/Stay Night
~Elfen Lied
~Inuyasha
~Yu Yu Hakusho
~Trigun
~xxxHolic
~Ouran High School Host Club
~Peach Girl
~Hunter x Hunter
~Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex
~Princess Mononoke
~Spirited Away

-Manga-

~History's Strongest Disciple: Kenichi
~Death Note
~Until Death Do Us Part
~Bleach
~Dragonball
~Skip Beat!
~xxxHolic
~Ouran Kouko Host Club

Pimp Pimp! ... no way?

2009-10-25T18:31:00.000-04:00

For those of you that remember 50 Cents "P.I.M.P." video, the title is taken from the hurrah that the Pimps' Legion of Doom shouts in the little skit. Now, on to today's topic: calling guys pimps. I do understand that in today's hip-hop influenced culture many words have taken on a different or less extreme meaning to most people, but I'd like to shed some light and state my opinion about the abuse of the term "pimp." Many times when a guy hangs out with a large number of females or is well-liked by many women, he is called a pimp. The word "player" is also used at times, and I will touch on that later. For now, please allow me to say that the word pimp was never a positive term. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, pimp is synonymous with flesh monger or pander. (If you are unfamiliar with these words, see cited article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pimp)

Pimps are often manipulative, controlling, abusive, and self-serving. The last time I checked, most guys would not want to be referred to as such. Similar to the term "wife beater" or the new shortened version "beater", I would rather not have such words used to describe me or anything about me. This may seem a bit stiff, but we have to think about stereotypes. Most negative things that people assume about any gender, race, occupation, sexual orientation, etc. are things that people simply brush off or ignore. Because people ignore stereotypes, those that use them assume that there is no harm done; however, it is just the opposite. These stereotypes and terms become acceptable. Part of my problem with it is that we still have real pimps today, so unlike some words that only carry historical significance (the likes of which shall not be discussed in this post because it will take too long and... ugh I just don't want to), pimp carries with it a double meaning because of it's current relevance.

The reason that this is of concern to me is because I share a certain amount of female company. I tend to spend time with more women than men, and because of this people think that it is okay to joke in such a way. Certain things offend people whether they are meant seriously or not. Calling me a pimp is one of those things for me. If you worked hard to make sure that the opposite sex had a certain view of you, you wouldn't want people muddying it with jokes or serious comments. I am a strong believer in saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and one thing that I never want people to say about me is that I am comparable to a guy who would sell women's bodies. I think that is a fairly simple request because I have more respect for women than that. On top of what calling me a pimp means for me, it is degrading to those women that I am friends with because it implies that they are somehow in a submissive role comparable to a prostitute.

My last point is that one misconception about pimps is that they are cool guys that can get with any girl they want. I, personally, believe I am not in such a category as this either, and I hope that my behavior reflects such. It is hard to believe that in college one could be a virgin and still have such words describe him. We men mess up enough stuff that we don't need anyone contributing to the negative feelings towards us. Let us make our own mistakes, and let us work to gain respect by giving respect. I am not saying that guys are total screw-ups, but we do have our moments. The fact is, I'd rather have reputation be tied to my personal accomplishments and faults rather than those carried with a title that is unsuitable for any man who wants to be seen as respected or respectful. In my personal opinion, women are goddesses and ought to be treated as such. I am not perfect, but this is an idea that I try to convey in all that I do. Pimps are the exact opposite. To them, women are merely a product to be sold to the highest bidder, or in the hood, to whatever joe will throw a couple bucks her way.

I hope that you all don't take this too seriously because I am only saying how I feel, but at the same time I hope you get the point that I am trying to make. Use words that carry the connotation that you are trying to convey, don't just throw a word out there and assume it to be a complement because that's what you were thinking of it as at the time. Bad words are like tiny blades. They don't always cut deep, but they do damage that over time can leave a really bad sting.

A Little Rant on Facebook "Stalking"...

2009-10-23T17:17:00.000-04:00

I have a problem with people that call looking at Facebook profiles "stalking". First, I'd like to draw a line at which point profile surfing becomes stalking. If you are Facebook friends with someone, that means they are saying that they trust you enough to let you enter their social circle on some level. If you are not friends with someone, the only reason you should be browsing their posts of your own accord is if you are considering adding them as a friend or if they posted something related to you or something meant for anyone to see such as an opinion or funny video or picture.

The fact that you can even see anything when they are not your friend means that they either don't care or were too lazy to make their profile private. Facebook is on one of the most public of media outlets, the INTERNET. The idea is that you put things out there for people to see. If you only want certain people to see things, you restrict them to those certain people. If you put things out with no restrictions so that everything is public, you are asking people to come and see it. The entire point of privacy settings is to determine how much "privacy" you want. Creeping, stalking, etc., these are all things that do not apply to public information.

This leads to my second point. People should never put information such as their address or phone number on a profile so that anyone, even non-friends, can see it... I mean, unless you want actual stalkers, not the ignorantly dubbed "Facebook stalkers" who are simply people that you've blindly invited into your circle then accused of stepping outside the boundaries you didn't set.

In conclusion, if you don't want your privacy "invaded", don't put things that you consider private in the public realm of the Internet. If you do choose to share it with an exclusive group of people, then take advantage of the settings that Facebook makes available for that exact purpose. I always say, "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Actually, I don't say it, I quote it from Lewis Carrol's Cheshire Cat. But the point is, think before you call something creeping or stalking because it sends mixed messages and offends some people... like me. :P

~Peace and Love~

A Thought On Focus

2009-10-22T22:06:00.000-04:00

Just a quick thought about focus. People are like cameras. Even if what you're trying to capture is moving, you must steady yourself in order to focus and get what you're going for. In that vein, it took sitting back and looking at my own life to realize exactly where I was and where I'm headed.

Once you've seen where you are and the direction you're pointed in, it's your decision to continue on that path or to turn yourself in another direction. People may be trying to tell you which way you should go, and most of them have your best interests at heart. The truth of the matter is, though, that they don't know everything about you even if they're your family or closest friend. And bottom line, you make the decision, not them. This isn't to say that you shouldn't listen to them because even if they don't have it exactly right, they may be on the right track. If you take all the good pieces from every input that people give you and put them together, you come very close to that perfect picture that we all wish we could paint our lives to be.

This picture is not the same for everyone, but everyone has ideals. Optimists look at everything as if it's another chance to move closer to that goal. Pessimists assume that you'll never reach that goal. Neither is right by the way, but both have equal opportunity to be happy. Cynicism and Hope can coincide and often do. Everything in life is about balance, and it's crazy to think of it that way, but you must never accept things for the way they are. That quote, "Change is the only constant" is so powerful. Let me see... Heraclitus, that's the guy's name, said that. He's a Greek philosopher (go figure) who's words ring as true today as they did in the 5th Century BC.

I always tell myself I want someone to quote me one day, but I never thought about those great philosophers (I almost said "other great philosophers" but I'm not comparing myself to them) who are so insightful. What do I have to say that is so insightful, so moving that people would want to say it 2500 years from now? Guess I've got some thinking to do...

Thinking too much

2009-10-20T00:21:00.001-04:00

For all those over-thinkers out there, I've come up with some ideas of what my college experience is about. You know how everyone says that college is more about what you do with it than what you can get out of it? Everyone's different, right? So what you do with it will be different.

Okay, enough questions, my thought on the college experience is this: I have no problem figuring things out, but my brain runs faster than I can write or speak what I'm thinking about. Often times I find myself distracted or bored with things not because I fully understand it, but because my brain is already on to the next thing that I'm worried about. If I get nothing else out of college, learning to organize my thoughts and control my focus will be my most important goal.

I don't know if anyone else thinks too much and has this problem, but I needed to spit some words out. Hence, why I started this blog.

~/\/\ |-|~